I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been before this, before this moment. I am sitting in the front of my car, I know what I did is wrong but I can’t help but feel calm. I run my bubble gum against the back of my teeth using my tongue to push the beginning of a bubble forward blowing air. POP. Why am I so calm? I shouldn’t be so calm. My outside demeanor looks so calm but inside my mind is racing at 100 miles per hour. What have I done oh god what have I done. But no I’m calm so fucking calm. I jump from the sound the pop of the bubble makes. POP.Okay think. What’s my next move, eventually someone is going to notice, I can’t sit in this driveway forever. Someone soon will put together the pieces of what happened. God why am I so calm so goddamn calm why. Okay stop. Think. Blow another bubble. Breath. POP.

 

I open the driver seat door and step outside in the cool night air. My legs feel like I was just on a boat they’re so wobbly. Okay one step at a time. Walk. Get inside, move the key to the right that’s it you’re getting there push the door open, no one’s home. Good. Now walk upstairs find the stash of cash you know caleb left under his mattress, for a drug dealer he was always rather organized. Look for anything else you might need. Passport, jacket, maybe pack a bag, make it look like he went away like he chose to leave. Okay you’re doing it. Fuck I’ve lost it. I’m not even wearing gloves. Fuck. Wipe your fingerprints. Okay That’s it. POP. I jump again from the sound, my own goddamn nervous tick, blowing bubble gum. My legs wobble  as I creep down the stairs. Before I can get outside back to safety I feel my stomach lurch. Calebs eyes are staring at me through the glass frame on the table. He’s smiling next to his parents, a photo frozen in time. If only he knew. Stop it. POP.

Concentrate. Oh god I feel sick. NO. You’re fine. Where has my mind gone? I’m not fine. No I’m fine just keep moving. I pick up the photo and flip it so the front is facing the wood of the table. Calebs eyes can’t watch me anymore.

 

I close the door behind me and walk back to my car. I open the trunk and throw my stash of money and belongings in. I try and close the trunk but then I stop. My body tenses up and freezes. There are caleb’s eyes again. My darling Caleb and his piercing blue eyes. But now they are piercing through me. He’s just staring at me. I can’t move. I run my eyes along the trash bag in the trunk, I can make out the outline of his body wrapped in a big black trash bag. The top of his head peeking out from it’s hiding place. Those beautiful piercing blue eyes staring at me. Burning through me. The single line of blood running down the side of his face brings out the colour in his eyes. God my man was handsome. My gum stays in the back of my mouth, it feels like I’m choking. I can’t breath. Everyone will know me. The girl who lost her mind. The girl who plotted her own love’s death for months as if it was a fun board game. The girl who was so obsessed she couldn’t stand it anymore. And you know what’s funny about all this? I’m still too young to be sent to jail, they’ll have to try and figure out what to do with me. Oh god I don’t want to die.

 

Okay stop. Think. Blow another bubble. Breath. POP.

I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been before this, before this moment.

 

*Thanks so much for reading! This story is inspired by the song bellyache by Billie Eilish I highly suggest listening to it